Deuteronomy 31:88 The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”
A couple years ago I attended a bible study with a few young adults I went to college with. We met up once a week, our group leader would choose a section of the Bible and we would discuss it. You know, normal bible study shenanigans. One night we got on the topic of depression. Out of the ten or so people in our group I was the only one who had ever really experienced depression. Most of them couldn’t understand how a believer could have these feelings when they knew God was there. So I explained to them as I will to you:
There have been times I go the entire week without showering because I just don’t have the energy to get out of bed. Some days getting up to let the dog out is the only thing I get accomplished that day. Some days I feel like superwoman and manage to get a week worth of errands done in one day.
My depression isn’t constant. Sometimes I get into my depressive state and can pull myself out immediately. Other times it lasts weeks and nothing I do will change it. Some days I feel like I’m on top of the world. I feel like I have all the purpose and motivation in the world. Other days I wonder if anyone would notice if I wasn’t here anymore.
I often think about scenarios: what it would be like if I left the world tomorrow. I have been driving and prayed to God to take me out. I have prayed for a semi truck to run a red light and T-bone my car. I have prayed to hit a puddle while it’s raining, hydroplane into a ditch and flip my car. I have gone to sleep and told God it would be okay if he didn’t wake me up in the morning. I have been in dark places and I occasionally go back to those dark places.
My faith is unbothered by my depression. I don’t blame God for my feelings. I don’t think He loves me any less because I feel like this. I know God has a plan for my life; I know He wants me here on Earth for whatever reason. Although I haven’t quite figured out my part and maybe I never will. I know He has a reason for everything he does. God is using me in ways I cannot understand. He knew I was strong enough to handle the task He has given me.
Sometimes when days get hard and I’m praying to leave the world, I get mad when He keeps me here anyway. However, I’m reminded that it’s because my purpose here on Earth isn’t finished yet. He will let me come home when it’s my time.